Memories of Lainey’s adoption and birth have been popping up in my head lately as we prepare for Beau’s arrival. Occasionally, our infertility and the pain that will always be with me, comes along with those memories. The joy of witnessing Lainey's birth followed by those cautious hours til the paperwork was signed making her officially ours. Today I found an interesting excerpt from a blog written by an infertile and adoptive mother and was inspired to write down the feelings and thoughts I’ve been having.
I think of all the times that I feared I’d never see a particular moment-a houseful of people there to celebrate my child’s birthday, to hear “hi mama,” or see my husband become a father. I think of how much pain we had endured and how our lives were forever altered by that journey. I think of all the tears I have shed, all the money spent, the friendships lost and the friendships gained. I think of the frustration I felt every time my body let me down. Even today, I am a little disappointed when I my period starts. But all of these thoughts are short-lived. They melt away when my child gives me one of her 100 watt smiles, or giggles when I tickle her, or when I sneak in her room at night and swear there’s an angel laying in her bed. In those instances, the past disappears.
The past disappears but once in awhile the reality of the situation rears its ugly head. I may miss my son’s birth. I have a room painted blue, a crib assembled and have clothes and toys waiting for this little boy I’ve seen once on an ultrasound. I can’t even call him my son until a judge I’ll never meet signs the paperwork that terminates the parental rights of the woman that will give birth to him. This wonderful woman, who given different circumstances, would not have made this “choice,” will experience one of the most painful and heartbreaking moments of her life at the exact same instant I witness my dream coming true. And that is best case scenario. She could change her mind and decide to parent this child herself. I may not be bringing this child home.
My journey to motherhood was and is definitely the road less traveled. And while bumpy at times, it has gotten me where I wanted to be and I think, made me a better person along the way. I don't feel sorry for myself. On the contrary, if given the chance, I wouldn’t change a thing. I’d shed the tears all over again, I’d gladly give up the money, take all the pain that came with hormone shots and humiliation at the doctor’s office, and the friendships? Well, there are times in ones life where you learn who your friends are and who aren’t and I don’t miss those that I lost. And I’m certainly willing to take my chances with adoption again. I would go through all of it again because I am living my dream of being a mom and it is everything I ever imagined and so much more.
I think of all the times that I feared I’d never see a particular moment-a houseful of people there to celebrate my child’s birthday, to hear “hi mama,” or see my husband become a father. I think of how much pain we had endured and how our lives were forever altered by that journey. I think of all the tears I have shed, all the money spent, the friendships lost and the friendships gained. I think of the frustration I felt every time my body let me down. Even today, I am a little disappointed when I my period starts. But all of these thoughts are short-lived. They melt away when my child gives me one of her 100 watt smiles, or giggles when I tickle her, or when I sneak in her room at night and swear there’s an angel laying in her bed. In those instances, the past disappears.
The past disappears but once in awhile the reality of the situation rears its ugly head. I may miss my son’s birth. I have a room painted blue, a crib assembled and have clothes and toys waiting for this little boy I’ve seen once on an ultrasound. I can’t even call him my son until a judge I’ll never meet signs the paperwork that terminates the parental rights of the woman that will give birth to him. This wonderful woman, who given different circumstances, would not have made this “choice,” will experience one of the most painful and heartbreaking moments of her life at the exact same instant I witness my dream coming true. And that is best case scenario. She could change her mind and decide to parent this child herself. I may not be bringing this child home.
My journey to motherhood was and is definitely the road less traveled. And while bumpy at times, it has gotten me where I wanted to be and I think, made me a better person along the way. I don't feel sorry for myself. On the contrary, if given the chance, I wouldn’t change a thing. I’d shed the tears all over again, I’d gladly give up the money, take all the pain that came with hormone shots and humiliation at the doctor’s office, and the friendships? Well, there are times in ones life where you learn who your friends are and who aren’t and I don’t miss those that I lost. And I’m certainly willing to take my chances with adoption again. I would go through all of it again because I am living my dream of being a mom and it is everything I ever imagined and so much more.
Lainey-One day old-March 3, 2007
2 comments:
Oh, Nicole, you are beautiful....tears are streaming down my face as I can so relate to your feelings and pain and joy, but I do not think I could express them nearly as perfectly as you have. Thank you for sharing. Having had the 'worst case scenario' adoption story happen before Benjamin was simply awful. Being at the birth and returning to bring her home to find no baby, was the most painful moment of my life. I simply wanted to die. Somehow I bounced back and grew to trust in my faith and have hope again. When I see Benjamin and his amazing being, I realize God made the right decision for Jon and I. All my love, Amy
I believe that everything happens for a reason. God has a plan for all of us...
In all of about a week--maybe sooner--You will have Beau. He will be the most beautiful little boy you have ever seen. He is already loved by so many..on my side, and yours. And he will be yours. Yes it is a hard concept for some. It would be harder for me if I didn't have my two AMAZING, GORGEOUS children to come home with. They are my life--My reason for breathing! Just as yours is Lainey--and now Beau. He is Yours. I am just the big, waddling stork bringing him to you. Please do not dwell on the 'worst case scenario'...it does not apply here sweetie. I am proud to have been a part of something so Amazing. It has already changed my life in so many positive ways. I am genuinely happy to give this gift of a baby to such a wonderful and loving couple. Our families will always share this close and rare bond, that many cannot ever begin to comprehend.
Speaking of motherhood..I hear my sweetness Aly getting out of bed...Better go see why..
Love, Jenn
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