Lainey loves blueberries!
Friday, January 16, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Thoughts
Memories of Lainey’s adoption and birth have been popping up in my head lately as we prepare for Beau’s arrival. Occasionally, our infertility and the pain that will always be with me, comes along with those memories. The joy of witnessing Lainey's birth followed by those cautious hours til the paperwork was signed making her officially ours. Today I found an interesting excerpt from a blog written by an infertile and adoptive mother and was inspired to write down the feelings and thoughts I’ve been having.
I think of all the times that I feared I’d never see a particular moment-a houseful of people there to celebrate my child’s birthday, to hear “hi mama,” or see my husband become a father. I think of how much pain we had endured and how our lives were forever altered by that journey. I think of all the tears I have shed, all the money spent, the friendships lost and the friendships gained. I think of the frustration I felt every time my body let me down. Even today, I am a little disappointed when I my period starts. But all of these thoughts are short-lived. They melt away when my child gives me one of her 100 watt smiles, or giggles when I tickle her, or when I sneak in her room at night and swear there’s an angel laying in her bed. In those instances, the past disappears.
The past disappears but once in awhile the reality of the situation rears its ugly head. I may miss my son’s birth. I have a room painted blue, a crib assembled and have clothes and toys waiting for this little boy I’ve seen once on an ultrasound. I can’t even call him my son until a judge I’ll never meet signs the paperwork that terminates the parental rights of the woman that will give birth to him. This wonderful woman, who given different circumstances, would not have made this “choice,” will experience one of the most painful and heartbreaking moments of her life at the exact same instant I witness my dream coming true. And that is best case scenario. She could change her mind and decide to parent this child herself. I may not be bringing this child home.
My journey to motherhood was and is definitely the road less traveled. And while bumpy at times, it has gotten me where I wanted to be and I think, made me a better person along the way. I don't feel sorry for myself. On the contrary, if given the chance, I wouldn’t change a thing. I’d shed the tears all over again, I’d gladly give up the money, take all the pain that came with hormone shots and humiliation at the doctor’s office, and the friendships? Well, there are times in ones life where you learn who your friends are and who aren’t and I don’t miss those that I lost. And I’m certainly willing to take my chances with adoption again. I would go through all of it again because I am living my dream of being a mom and it is everything I ever imagined and so much more.
I think of all the times that I feared I’d never see a particular moment-a houseful of people there to celebrate my child’s birthday, to hear “hi mama,” or see my husband become a father. I think of how much pain we had endured and how our lives were forever altered by that journey. I think of all the tears I have shed, all the money spent, the friendships lost and the friendships gained. I think of the frustration I felt every time my body let me down. Even today, I am a little disappointed when I my period starts. But all of these thoughts are short-lived. They melt away when my child gives me one of her 100 watt smiles, or giggles when I tickle her, or when I sneak in her room at night and swear there’s an angel laying in her bed. In those instances, the past disappears.
The past disappears but once in awhile the reality of the situation rears its ugly head. I may miss my son’s birth. I have a room painted blue, a crib assembled and have clothes and toys waiting for this little boy I’ve seen once on an ultrasound. I can’t even call him my son until a judge I’ll never meet signs the paperwork that terminates the parental rights of the woman that will give birth to him. This wonderful woman, who given different circumstances, would not have made this “choice,” will experience one of the most painful and heartbreaking moments of her life at the exact same instant I witness my dream coming true. And that is best case scenario. She could change her mind and decide to parent this child herself. I may not be bringing this child home.
My journey to motherhood was and is definitely the road less traveled. And while bumpy at times, it has gotten me where I wanted to be and I think, made me a better person along the way. I don't feel sorry for myself. On the contrary, if given the chance, I wouldn’t change a thing. I’d shed the tears all over again, I’d gladly give up the money, take all the pain that came with hormone shots and humiliation at the doctor’s office, and the friendships? Well, there are times in ones life where you learn who your friends are and who aren’t and I don’t miss those that I lost. And I’m certainly willing to take my chances with adoption again. I would go through all of it again because I am living my dream of being a mom and it is everything I ever imagined and so much more.
Lainey-One day old-March 3, 2007
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